Posts Tagged ‘death’

At the Moment…

Posted: August 13, 2010 in Commentary
Tags: , , , , ,

My heart is heavy, bearing the weight of the inevitable, now here.

The fate of us all thrust upon a new addition to the life I call my own.

The sound of abounding silence between phone lines after being alerted.

What words heal? What actions mend? None and none.

Time, the healer, albeit prolonged. Can I gather every watch and clock for presentation now,

at this moment, to immediately close the deep, deep gash caused by this dreadful reality? No.




Throughout each day of my life I encounter situations and people, among other things, that force my brain into overdrive. How can I get away from this person?, Should I believe that?, Or, I wonder if anyone smelled that., are all questions that bounce off the walls in my head. Recently I have decided to take fate into my own hands and invent a few items that will quell some of these brain churning,  hate inducing instances. Below is a list of just a few of my many ingenious ideas that will soon hit the infomercial market. WARNING: Do not attempt to steal any aspect of the following inventions, or create any copycats. Like the title of this blog entry says, “Patents Pending”. Which means, if you attempt some thievery I will find you and sue the shit out of your ass. Literally. (Which will soon be possible through an invention I am currently creating.)


Caller E.S.P – Similar to Caller ID, this innovative creation will allow one to not only know who’s calling, but WTF they want.  With this information, the Selective Answering feature will assess their reason for calling and terminate the call according to your personal settings. Friends and relatives begging for money? Unsure who your schizophrenic wife is today? Dreading the “we’re downsizing because of the recession” call from work? Use Caller ESP and all of this will be solved. Slogan: Live life stress free with Caller E.S.P. 

The Stink-Sound-zorb – Church Services, Weddings, Funerals, and sometimes work and school, are all places where farting is absolutely unacceptable. Don’t know if the gas traveling toward your ass will make a loud noise? Haven’t figured out a way to know what smell will result from your butt belch? Just strap the Stink-Sound-zorb to the inside of your trousers and rest easy. The smell will be absorbed and the sound will be reduced to a mere 3 decibels. Disclaimer:  If you are prone to sharting, please wear The Stink-Sound-zorb with extreme caution as any moisture that comes in contact with the product will undoubtedly cause electric shock. Side effects also include Taint swelling, anal sphincter pulsing, and death.

The Tall Tale Teller This lie detection software will be available as an app for the iPhone, and will also be available for download to all other cell phones by everyone else who hasn’t yet realized the superiority of Apple Inc. products. Afraid to call some one out on their lies? Not sure if someone is telling you the truth or not? The Tall Tale Teller is your savior. Picture this… Someone is telling you a great story. The story teller pulls you in with every tid-bit he/she adds. It gets better an better as you listen and eventually you are completely wrapped up in the narrative. All of a sudden your nearby cell phone yells out “BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT…” This would no doubt put that pathological prick in their place, knock them back down to reality. For your convenience the program can be set to say a variety of things to warn you of the Tale. Some of which are, BULLSHIT, as I have shown earlier, CROCK OF SHIT, UNTRUTH, and the most popular, SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOU’RE LYING – After pitching this idea to my good friend Steve Jobs, and it being accepted,  he informed me with his own two lips that it will be the most popular app for the iPhone. EVER. With a projected 10 million downloads within the first week.  ——- Excuse me a second, while I turn off my cell phone.

Unfortunately, the release of these products was pushed back due to our pitch guys absence of a tongue.  But I promise you, as soon as the ShamWow guy is released from prison for the beat-down he put on that hooker, he will be the face of my creations. Just with an electronic voice box instead of that damn headset.