Archive for July, 2008

Some days when I post, a little research is needed so my explanations or comments on certain things are actually factual. But on other, more fortunate days, research isn’t at all warranted. Days like today, and some incidents in previous posts; Humorous Flatulence, and Crack Kills (check archives for JUNE 08), require no vigorous Internet searches or the like. The inspiration just flows. I went to the post office today and stood in the never ending line, awaiting my turn to be serviced by the miserable woman, standing sloppily, behind the 5 inch thick piece of criminal resistent glass. Before I got up to the window, and as I stood within the crushed velvet restraints, I turned around to survey the joint and saw some of the most ignorant sh*t I’ve witnessed since my Crack Kills post. The un-koof joker behind me was champing. Inside the damn POST OFFICE. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the term “champing”, also lesser known as ‘freaking’ or ‘hyping’, it is when one removes the “cancer paper” from a Black and Mild Cigar before indulging in the smoking of said cigar.  It’s been said by some Black n’ Mild connoisseurs, that the cancer paper prevents you from enjoying the full savory flavor of the tobacco and it may cause discomfort in the region of the throat when one inhales. So, that is why champing is necessary.  Philip Morris is SO thoughtful. Aren’t they? Light Cigarettes, Cancer Paper to lessen your chances of arriving at the fork in the road of tumors and chemotherapy. They couldn’t be more concerned about the health of the public. Anyway, I witnessed the pouring out of the tobacco, into the wrapper and I turned back around in disbelief. Once I heard him tapping the plastic tip on the ever so sanitary table that hundreds of people utilize daily, my disbelief turned into disgust. After he finished removing the cancer paper, and contaminating the very portion of the black n’ mild that would enter the main orifice in his body, he jammed the cigar into the corner of his mouth, clutching it with his lips. I’m sure you all have witnessed the ‘magic balancing cigarette’. You know the one that could manage to stay on someones lip, amidst a conversation, drinking of a beverage or if the person is really good, even eating. It was like that. The difference with him was that he just stood their and gestured. Sighing loudly like the post office workers were taking too damn long, and keeping him from sucking down that stick of cancer. Now, I know that smoking a Black N’ Mild is perfectly legal, but have some decorum. Postpone your champing’ for a less government owned facility. And due to the heavy presence of elderly folks scattered throughout the area,  I’m sure the judgement and ridicule flowed effortlessly in their minds.  Anyway, SAY NO TO DRUGS……..

Funny, but this may be your reality.

Funny, but this may be your reality.... Smoker.

 

(Pictures were removed due to technical difficulties. But read on…. You’ll do fine without them.)

Alright guys and dolls, sorry for the delay on this week’s F.O.W.  (Insert lame excuse here)  And since I am late, I will make up for it and post two F.O.W’s. You lucky bastards.  Getting down to it, this weeks flicks really draw up a sense of pride in me. I’ve always been a slight fan of Professional tennis, but I never really kept up too much with the tournaments, or the players. About a year ago is when I first seriously stepped onto a tennis court, and ever since then I have watched a great deal of tennis on TV. This weekend of tennis, specifically Saturday’s events, probably were the most prideful of all the tennis events I’ve ever witnessed. Not only did Venus and Serena Williams both make thier way through a draw of 128 players in the singles tournament at this years Wimbledon, forcing a family dominated Finals, but they also made it to the Finals in the doubles tournament as well. Venus won the singles title and they both took home Championship trophy’s in the doubles tournament. Years ago Richard Williams, the father and coach of Venus and Serena, predicted that his daughters ‘would dominate the sport of women’s tennis’. Be it the aggressive confidence, often displayed by Richard, or just a premonition, it is a fact, and now a reality. Between the two they have 68 singles titles and 21 doubles titles in their career. Of those singles titles, 15 were grabbed at a Grand Slam event. The previous stats are all as of now in their careers. I’m positive, and I’m sure Richard is too, that these girls will continue to pile up the titles, trophy’s and respect that they deserve for their outstanding achievements in the second most popular sport in the WORLD, tennis.

When the ads for 2008 BET Awards began running I hardly came close to soiling my pants in anticipation. Instead, I dreaded the notion of yet another BET Award show. The less than moderately funny hosts in past years have done nothing but add to my futher dissappointment in this “we represent the black community” network. I know the Viacom monopoly doesn’t allow for too much significant “diversity” in programming, but the uncanny similarities to it’s biggest ‘competitor’, MTV are disgustingly unreal. It’s all the same, just with a sh*t load of melanin. Sorry for that tangent, but……

Now, I caught a few performances and, undoubtedly, the Alicia Keys performance was the highlight of the show. Although I am quite partial to Ms. Keys, and I’d say ‘she was great’ even if I hated her performance, I’m sure you all agree that it was, in fact, good. Thick thighs and all. Am I the only one that couldn’t take my eyes off those hips? –Let me wash my hands, and uhhhh….. That was for the true ‘ You So Crazy’ fans… You know what I mean.  Getting back to the task in hand, I mean at hand, she looked good and she sounded good. TLC, SWV and the always beautiful En Vogue didn’t disappoint either.

Before this award show I hated Ne-Yo, the person. I saw him at a celebrity AND 1 game a few years back and his attitude sucked ass. He came into the stands to sit in the announcers booth and wasn’t too happy when one fan said ‘HI’ to him too many times. Just in case you’re wondering, it wasn’t me. I’m not that beat for ANYONE. Well, I must now admit that he is “the chosen one”. I’ve never given one of his performances the time of day before, but this one got my full attention. He dances well, he can actually sing, and his stage presence as well as his overall performing  prowess impressed me.  Not only can he do these things, he writes, produces, arranges etc. TRUE TALENT.

Now, my favorite part of the show was undoubtedly, Niecy Nash.  When Rayneisha, Maurice and Slydel, her three “adopted” white kids, paraded onto the stage and she alerted the crowd saying,

 “These babies have done wonders for my credit score. To all the rappers and singers and ballers and shot callers: instead of making it rain, make a difference and get yourself some white kids.” 

 The laughter flowed uninterrupted. Niecy’s spoof was inspired by Madonna and Angelina Jolie’s urge to fly out of the country, on their priceless private jets and adopt a black baby. A real one at that. AN AFRICAN, when there are a countless number of African American children here in the good ole’ U.S. that they could have adopted. I thought it was hilarious, although a little controversial, none-the-less.

 

In no way possible am I now a fan of the BET Awards or BET as a whole, but I will give the next award show a chance. The BET Awards that is. The BET Hip Hop Awards, not a chance in hell. I’d rather not see T-Pain in multiple clown outfits and a crowd full of white tee’s, bling-bling, (Yeah, I said “bling-bling”, taking it back about a decade, AND WHAT?!?!) and a bunch of male asses poking through sagging, skin-tight jeans.

LATER…..

Although the hot weather has been around for about a month and a couple weeks now, maybe longer, summer officially arrived about a week and a half ago. Within that short amount of time many people have graced my eyes with their ever so appalling presence.  My inspiration for this post came when I saw a woman walking down the street, on one of those upper 90 degree days, wearing a halter top. The shirt ended just slightly below her belly button, but her stomach continued, over the much needed elastic waist band in her shorts. The flab jiggled from side to side, being forced upward as her thighs came forward while she walked. (Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to snap a photo due to the fact that I was driving.) I almost crashed my car after my eyes were forced shut by the small amount of throw-up that made it’s way up my esophagus and into the back of my mouth. Now my next summer sighting was a beer-gutted guy, wearing a mesh, wife beater. You know, the one that looks like, if the owner wanted to, he could take it off and catch butterflies, or dip in in the pond and pull out a gang of fish. These shirts have always amused me. Oh yeah, the overwhelming, bright, squint causing, NEON, wife beaters are also on the list of humor inducing summer clothing. Especially when they are in groups, like the two I saw this weekend at the park. It seems to me that when the nice weather rolls around, the KEG’s come out, wearing the most revealing clothing, a tight wife beater, bearing holes with their “TACO MEAT” chest hair curling through the openings. One thing I can say about the plethora of people who step outside, hosting such a display of unhealthiness, is their massive confindence. You either have to be quite over confident or just plain crass, with an extreme disregard for the vision and stomachs of others.

PEACE…