Archive for June, 2009

A few weeks back I published a post called “Road Realizations”. In said post I listed a few things that start my blood a’ boilin’ while driving. One of those things was personalized license plates. I think they are extremely lame and should be outlawed immediately. Moving violations will be handed out to all who possess a personalized plate from this day forward. The thing is, a lot of these plates can be easily misconstrued, and with my over-active, perverted, and sometimes just barely working brain, I go with whatever pops in there first. Now, in preparation for this post, I have been compiling some flicks that I snapped out on the road of the feeble attempts at vehicular self expression. Along with these pics, will be other plates that I wasn’t able to capture while driving but still took note of. Speaking of risking life and limb while doing something in the car that isn’t driving, check out one of my previous posts about Bimbo’s. They’re soft, huggable and tasty!!! 

 

"NEVERHM"

"NEVERHM"

 

 

 

 

 

— Although this person may spend a lot of his time away from home, the owner is obviously a man who lives his life as a woman, and wants everyone to know just how much he enjoys cross-dressing. Hence the meaning of the inscription, “Never him”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Jean. C"

"JEAN C"

 

 

 

 

–A fan of “Cheers” are we? Unfortunately though, everybody doesn’t want to know your name, Jean C. Maybe this person should hook up with “NEVERHM” for some sexually ambiguous fun. Well, what do you expect? Jean is one of those names. 

 

 

 

 

 

"MIGUE 1"

"MIGUE 1"

 

 

 

 

— Here is an example of the Spanish Speaking sector of the population trying to force their language on us Americans, once again. First, the Secaucus Wal-Mart refuses to hire workers who speak English, now this. Let’s take back America people.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"KITTY   18"

"KITTY 18"

 

 

 

— For her 18th birthday, Kitty got a car. Now at age 42, every time she looks at her plate, she thinks back to the days when her “Kitty” (wink, wink) held up better to constant traffic, and was able to grip things better. (wink, wink) Like the road. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now, for some that, unfortunately, I couldn’t snap a flick for…..

COWGRRRRL” –  this plate reveals the drivers’ favorite sexual position, the Cow Girl. It also lets on that, when in that position, she growls like a big hungry bear. 

WONBY3” – Didn’t understand this one until I saw the NY Giants logo to the left of the inscription.  In Super Bowl 42, the New York Giants, “WON BY 3”. Or, you could say the New England Patriots got, “BEATEN BY 3”. Well, so did Plaxico Burress’ wife, within a few months of the victory.  As multiple restraining orders were filed by her against him with the local police station.

10  SIS”  – This guy, driving a white van with the windows blacked out, A Chester Van, is obviously angry with his mother. If I had ten sisters, I too, would let the world know how much of a whore my mother was. Don’t know who Chester is? Click here to find out….

PEACE…..

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Sometime, it's warranted...

Sometimes, it's warranted...

 

Nowadays, in my adult, somewhat mature, questionably responsible life, I look at what some kids do for entertainment. This, inevitably, releases the flood gates to the river of judgement. The ridicule flows, uninterrupted and my mind runs rampant with inquiries; What the hell is going on in their brain? Why would he do that? Is she crazy? Then the fairy of self realization appears on my shoulder and reminds me of the asinine things I used to do as a kid. This speaks to the whole, “Old people did it too…” post from a couple weeks back.  Check it out for more hypocrisies imposed on the “age challenged”. After grasping the fact that some of the things I did as a youth were much worse, I retract my previous conjecture and reserve my judgement for other things. Below I list a few of the crazy, uninformed, yet fun, things that brought entertainment to my life as a youngster. Disclaimer: I do not suggest that anyone, children or adults, perform the following indiscretions, as some may lead to jail time and/or serious injury. Having said that, I must add that all of the following can be very entertaining as well as “gut-bustingly” fulfilling. 

Whenever my cousins, siblings and I got together, in the absence of parents, I’d say 90% of the time, we were up to no good. One of our favorite pastimes was the Prank Call. We’d call restaurants that delivered and order, or not order, a few things. A call would go like this…

Restaurant Order Taker : “What would you like?”

Bored Kid(s): “Can I get a ____ , and a small ____ .  Wow, those ____ sound good too, give me two of them.”

Restaurant Order Taker : “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you.”

Bored Kid(s): “Oh, that’s alright. I like to order the ____ , with extra sauce, and the ____ . As well as two of those ____ , too. You know what scratch the ____ and just give me the large _____.”

Now, the blanks aren’t present for you to add what you’d like to order, but were the “punch line” of the prank. We spoke regularly throughout the calls but said nothing in the places where the blanks are, so it seemed as if our phones were breaking up.  This would go on until the order taker realized that all we really wanted was to ______ them. <~~~ There, you can add what you like…

One of my cousins and I did some really dumb stuff together. Now, I was never a trouble making kid, when all by my lonesome, but when I got with this one cousin we both were borderline crazy. In front of my house, as well as the neighboring home, there were a lot of big shrubs and bushes. Big enough for us to hide behind, totally out of sight of passing cars, and throw rocks at the moving vehicles. Hooray for big bushes. No innuendo. To us this was really entertaining, and we never thought we’d get caught, until the impossible happened. One of the drivers got out of his car and investigated where the rocks came from. After a few minutes, he got back into his car and sped off angrily. Extremely afraid, we ran into the house, changed our underwear then assumed the fetal position in a corner and began shaking uncontrollably. 

Another fun/dangerous/life threatening/sadistic activity my cousin and I engaged in was lighting cherry bombs and throwing them out of his 7th floor window. They’d land on a sidewalk full of unsuspecting loiterers as well as passersby and their reactions were priceless. This “game” found it’s end when my cousin failed to raise the screen quick enough, after lighting the firecracker. A bloody hand and two nervously, mischievous kids resulted from this activity.

Alright, that’s all I’m going to reveal. The forum is now open for submissions. What kind of crazy things did you do as a kid? Do they top any of the things on my list? Probably not, but I wasn’t a normal kid, nor am I a normal adult….Shadenfreude !!!! WTF You Say?  <~~~~~~

 

PEACE…

RoadRage

"Driveway Rage"

 

During the hour that I spend in my car everyday going to a from work, and when I’m just behind the wheel aimlessly wasting my pricey, constantly rising gas, I see a lot of things. Things that are either out of the ordinary, things that activate my road rage and/or things that are humorous to me. Below, in no particular order, I have listed a few of these things. Please feel free to agree, disagree, and/or add to the list of “Road Realizations” in the comments section. 

Here we go…

1. It is absolutely pointless for you, air-headed driver in front of me, to wait until you are starting your turn to put your damn blinker on. You might as well leave it off, IDIOT. Please, spare me. And my brakes…

2. Mind your own damn business!!! I know everybody wants to see the mangled cars on the other side of the median, but I have some place to be. Sometimes…

3. Picture this…You’re driving down the highway and in the distance, you see a cop who has pulled someone over on the shoulder. As your eyes focus back on the road in front of you, break lights come alive, several of the drivers in front of you revealing their asshole-ness. Now, to all you A-holes, answer me this… Do you really think that police officer is going to stop giving that person a ticket to come track you down? Come on. I mean, Really!?!?!?!

4. Old people should be required take tests that assess (that’s not asses, for the slow people) if they are able to keep up with the speed limit. Their height should also be measured sporadically so when their osteoporosis is at it’s worst, their license can be revoked. Have you ever driven past a barely moving car and didn’t see anyone behind the wheel? Don’t fret, someone is driving the car. It’s an old person whose bones have degenerated causing them to shrink into obscurity. 

5. Personalized license plates are more outdated than the horse and buggy…That’s it. –UR LAME–

6. Gas prices suck. They suck even harder as the summer approaches and arrives, and at their highest level of suck-tivity, I often consider storing used chicken grease and using that to power my car. 

Have any Road Realizations of your own? Post them in the comments below. Thanks.

PEACE…