Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Really?????

Posted: August 19, 2009 in Commentary, F.O.W, Humor, My LIfe

First official iPhone blog. You should really be excited right now!!!!! Just wanna post this Restaurant sign Fail. No big deal. Just me being the over-attentive critic that I am. I wonder if they serve breakfast too.

A few weeks back I published a post called “Road Realizations”. In said post I listed a few things that start my blood a’ boilin’ while driving. One of those things was personalized license plates. I think they are extremely lame and should be outlawed immediately. Moving violations will be handed out to all who possess a personalized plate from this day forward. The thing is, a lot of these plates can be easily misconstrued, and with my over-active, perverted, and sometimes just barely working brain, I go with whatever pops in there first. Now, in preparation for this post, I have been compiling some flicks that I snapped out on the road of the feeble attempts at vehicular self expression. Along with these pics, will be other plates that I wasn’t able to capture while driving but still took note of. Speaking of risking life and limb while doing something in the car that isn’t driving, check out one of my previous posts about Bimbo’s. They’re soft, huggable and tasty!!! 

 

"NEVERHM"

"NEVERHM"

 

 

 

 

 

— Although this person may spend a lot of his time away from home, the owner is obviously a man who lives his life as a woman, and wants everyone to know just how much he enjoys cross-dressing. Hence the meaning of the inscription, “Never him”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Jean. C"

"JEAN C"

 

 

 

 

–A fan of “Cheers” are we? Unfortunately though, everybody doesn’t want to know your name, Jean C. Maybe this person should hook up with “NEVERHM” for some sexually ambiguous fun. Well, what do you expect? Jean is one of those names. 

 

 

 

 

 

"MIGUE 1"

"MIGUE 1"

 

 

 

 

— Here is an example of the Spanish Speaking sector of the population trying to force their language on us Americans, once again. First, the Secaucus Wal-Mart refuses to hire workers who speak English, now this. Let’s take back America people.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"KITTY   18"

"KITTY 18"

 

 

 

— For her 18th birthday, Kitty got a car. Now at age 42, every time she looks at her plate, she thinks back to the days when her “Kitty” (wink, wink) held up better to constant traffic, and was able to grip things better. (wink, wink) Like the road. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now, for some that, unfortunately, I couldn’t snap a flick for…..

COWGRRRRL” –  this plate reveals the drivers’ favorite sexual position, the Cow Girl. It also lets on that, when in that position, she growls like a big hungry bear. 

WONBY3” – Didn’t understand this one until I saw the NY Giants logo to the left of the inscription.  In Super Bowl 42, the New York Giants, “WON BY 3”. Or, you could say the New England Patriots got, “BEATEN BY 3”. Well, so did Plaxico Burress’ wife, within a few months of the victory.  As multiple restraining orders were filed by her against him with the local police station.

10  SIS”  – This guy, driving a white van with the windows blacked out, A Chester Van, is obviously angry with his mother. If I had ten sisters, I too, would let the world know how much of a whore my mother was. Don’t know who Chester is? Click here to find out….

PEACE…..

 

 

Sometime, it's warranted...

Sometimes, it's warranted...

 

Nowadays, in my adult, somewhat mature, questionably responsible life, I look at what some kids do for entertainment. This, inevitably, releases the flood gates to the river of judgement. The ridicule flows, uninterrupted and my mind runs rampant with inquiries; What the hell is going on in their brain? Why would he do that? Is she crazy? Then the fairy of self realization appears on my shoulder and reminds me of the asinine things I used to do as a kid. This speaks to the whole, “Old people did it too…” post from a couple weeks back.  Check it out for more hypocrisies imposed on the “age challenged”. After grasping the fact that some of the things I did as a youth were much worse, I retract my previous conjecture and reserve my judgement for other things. Below I list a few of the crazy, uninformed, yet fun, things that brought entertainment to my life as a youngster. Disclaimer: I do not suggest that anyone, children or adults, perform the following indiscretions, as some may lead to jail time and/or serious injury. Having said that, I must add that all of the following can be very entertaining as well as “gut-bustingly” fulfilling. 

Whenever my cousins, siblings and I got together, in the absence of parents, I’d say 90% of the time, we were up to no good. One of our favorite pastimes was the Prank Call. We’d call restaurants that delivered and order, or not order, a few things. A call would go like this…

Restaurant Order Taker : “What would you like?”

Bored Kid(s): “Can I get a ____ , and a small ____ .  Wow, those ____ sound good too, give me two of them.”

Restaurant Order Taker : “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you.”

Bored Kid(s): “Oh, that’s alright. I like to order the ____ , with extra sauce, and the ____ . As well as two of those ____ , too. You know what scratch the ____ and just give me the large _____.”

Now, the blanks aren’t present for you to add what you’d like to order, but were the “punch line” of the prank. We spoke regularly throughout the calls but said nothing in the places where the blanks are, so it seemed as if our phones were breaking up.  This would go on until the order taker realized that all we really wanted was to ______ them. <~~~ There, you can add what you like…

One of my cousins and I did some really dumb stuff together. Now, I was never a trouble making kid, when all by my lonesome, but when I got with this one cousin we both were borderline crazy. In front of my house, as well as the neighboring home, there were a lot of big shrubs and bushes. Big enough for us to hide behind, totally out of sight of passing cars, and throw rocks at the moving vehicles. Hooray for big bushes. No innuendo. To us this was really entertaining, and we never thought we’d get caught, until the impossible happened. One of the drivers got out of his car and investigated where the rocks came from. After a few minutes, he got back into his car and sped off angrily. Extremely afraid, we ran into the house, changed our underwear then assumed the fetal position in a corner and began shaking uncontrollably. 

Another fun/dangerous/life threatening/sadistic activity my cousin and I engaged in was lighting cherry bombs and throwing them out of his 7th floor window. They’d land on a sidewalk full of unsuspecting loiterers as well as passersby and their reactions were priceless. This “game” found it’s end when my cousin failed to raise the screen quick enough, after lighting the firecracker. A bloody hand and two nervously, mischievous kids resulted from this activity.

Alright, that’s all I’m going to reveal. The forum is now open for submissions. What kind of crazy things did you do as a kid? Do they top any of the things on my list? Probably not, but I wasn’t a normal kid, nor am I a normal adult….Shadenfreude !!!! WTF You Say?  <~~~~~~

 

PEACE…

RoadRage

"Driveway Rage"

 

During the hour that I spend in my car everyday going to a from work, and when I’m just behind the wheel aimlessly wasting my pricey, constantly rising gas, I see a lot of things. Things that are either out of the ordinary, things that activate my road rage and/or things that are humorous to me. Below, in no particular order, I have listed a few of these things. Please feel free to agree, disagree, and/or add to the list of “Road Realizations” in the comments section. 

Here we go…

1. It is absolutely pointless for you, air-headed driver in front of me, to wait until you are starting your turn to put your damn blinker on. You might as well leave it off, IDIOT. Please, spare me. And my brakes…

2. Mind your own damn business!!! I know everybody wants to see the mangled cars on the other side of the median, but I have some place to be. Sometimes…

3. Picture this…You’re driving down the highway and in the distance, you see a cop who has pulled someone over on the shoulder. As your eyes focus back on the road in front of you, break lights come alive, several of the drivers in front of you revealing their asshole-ness. Now, to all you A-holes, answer me this… Do you really think that police officer is going to stop giving that person a ticket to come track you down? Come on. I mean, Really!?!?!?!

4. Old people should be required take tests that assess (that’s not asses, for the slow people) if they are able to keep up with the speed limit. Their height should also be measured sporadically so when their osteoporosis is at it’s worst, their license can be revoked. Have you ever driven past a barely moving car and didn’t see anyone behind the wheel? Don’t fret, someone is driving the car. It’s an old person whose bones have degenerated causing them to shrink into obscurity. 

5. Personalized license plates are more outdated than the horse and buggy…That’s it. –UR LAME–

6. Gas prices suck. They suck even harder as the summer approaches and arrives, and at their highest level of suck-tivity, I often consider storing used chicken grease and using that to power my car. 

Have any Road Realizations of your own? Post them in the comments below. Thanks.

PEACE…

 

Kanye's Upcoming Album Cover

Kanye's Upcoming Album Cover

 

 

Heard a song on the radio the other day called Ego by Beyonce featuring the talented, genius, unmatched on any level….wait for it, waaaiiit for it, Kanye West. WHAT??? NO!?!?!?!? I was just as shocked as you are. Finally, a self titled song from the big headed “teddy bear”. At the beginning of the song, Mr. West croons a little, fessing up in a mellow, modest vocie. “I got a big ego, such a big ego…”  At this point, I’m thinking, “We’ve done it!!!” Combining the recent own-ation the geniuses over at South Park put on Kanye with their “Fishsticks” episode, and my world renowned post about The Dropout’s ego, ~~~> Click Here to read <~~~ he has come to his senses and is now ready to admit defeat. But no. Soon after the meager start, he goes in. Talking about how he has a big….. and how “she” loves his big…..and strokes his big, eh, eh em…..ego.  “Everything I throw up, Blow up” , “Flow just the nicest” are a few of the lines that Kanye’s helium surrounded brain allows him to release from his lips. Beyonce joins in with the innuendo during the hook, “It’s too big, it’s too wide, it’s too strong, it won’t fit, it’s too much, it’s too tough.” Now, I don’t really understand the sexual innuendo and it’s relation to the song. I know, I know, ego’s can be big, and strong but other than that I don’t get it. Oh, wait. It just came to me. When I see Beyonce gyrating, vibrating, and conjugating in those videos, the music becomes a non factor and all I think is SEX, SEX, SEX. That’s it. Sex is better than music so when the two combine, the less stimulating takes it’s place in the non-existent part of my brain.  Thanks Beyonce. 

Anywho, this song was a remix to Beyonce’s original track with the same name. Who better than the self proclaimed, “voice of a generation, the fuckin’ end all and be all to music” to give the world what it so desperately needs. Not even Kanye could create a better fit for this song. I vow to all my readers that from this point out, I am on a quest to deflate the hot air balloon that is Kanye. I shall dedicate my existence to doing so. This has now become my reason for living. Call it hate if you like, I’ll call it …… Whatever…….Stop judging me DAMNIT!!!

PEACE….

 

"Oh My Wooorrrd!!"

"Oh My!!!"

 

A great portion of today’s urban music, some say, has crossed the line of tastefulness. I’m not talking about the booty-shakin’ in rap videos or the other, extra risque things that occur on the screen, but the content of the songs. Although the latter has been cause for concern, I’ll leave Superhead and the rest of the video hoe gang out of this post. 

To the critics of my generations choice of auditory entertainment, I say,  the music that  made you do “The Twist” and the “Mashed Potato” has a lot in common with modern music.  Although the vulgarity, and uncouthness is undoubtedly elevated the subject is pretty much the same. So chill out a little. Times have changed. Below I give some examples to back up my assertion.

Old School Jam…

Prince, “Do Me Baby”, 1982 – The title of this song is self explanitory. It blatantly implies the desire to engage in sexual relations with another party, and Prince lists the things he wants his lover to do to him.

Modern Day Match…

The Notorious B.I.G featuring R.Kelly, Fuckin’ You Tonight”, 1997 – Although Biggie stated lyrically that he was, “black and ugly as ever“, there is no doubt that he was a ladies man. R. Kelly, on the other hand, was a fan of a different kind of lady. A fresh out of the womb, golden shower appreciating lady, that is. 

Old School Jam…

Gwen Guthrie, “Ain’t Nothing Goin’ On But the Rent”, 1986 – A few lines from this song; “We’re only wasting time if your pockets aren’t deep”, “No romance without finance”, “I’m looking for a man whose got some money in his hand”. The Modern Day Match to this song sums up this cut in the title, as well as the hook…. Please see below.

Modern Day Match…

Kanye West featuring Jamie Foxx, “Gold Digger”, 2005 – “I ain’t saying she a Gold Digger, but she ain’t messin’ with no broke niggas…” Enough said. 

Old School Jam…

Teddy Pendegrass, “Come Go With Me”, 1979 – This R&B joint finds Teddy luring a young lady out of a night club with his sweet mellow sound. At first she refuses, then says, “you said your car was right out front?…And you’re gonna bring me home after…? ”  After what? Would somebody fill me in, please?!?

Modern Day Match…

Jay-Z featuring Beanie Sigel & Amil, “Do it Again”, 1999 – Although this entire song isn’t spent setting up the one night stand, the hook shows that it’s much easier to get straight to the point. ” 12 am – on my way to the club, 1 am –  D.J. made it erupt, 2 am – now I’m gettin’ wit’ her, 3 am – now I’m splittin’ wit’ her….6 am – I be diggin’ her out, 6:15 I be kickin’ her out…” These days you don’t have to waste a whole 5 and a half minutes trying to get a girl back to your place Teddy, just a good 36 seconds of potent prose. 

Old School Jam…

The Four Tops, “Ain’t No Woman Like the One I Got”, 1973 – “Every day the sun comes up around her. She can make the birds sing harmony. Every drop of rain is glad it found her. Heaven must have made her just for me…”  is how this slow jam starts. It goes on to say, “I’d kiss the ground she walks on…” WOW. What a lady!!!!

Modern Day Match…

Notorious B.I.G., “Me and My Bitch”, 1993 – Biggie raps about his girl over this Hitmen track, and all the things she does for him, including packaging drugs and not snitching. Then, he too, like the Four Tops, states what he’d do for his love, but instead of kissing the ground she walks on, he decides to spread the love, and show his appreciation to a family member.  “…you look so good, huh, I suck on your daddy’s dick.” Whoa, Big Boy, WHOA. In response to that, a Modern Day Mantra applies……….NO HOMO!!!

 

PEACE…

 

Maturity is overrated....

Maturity is so overrated....

 

 

For those of you who don’t know about the recent controversy between Dallas Maverick owner, Mark Cuban and Denver Nuggets power forward, Kenyon Martin, it goes a little something like this… The NBA playoffs are currently taking place, and the Mavericks have been getting owned, loosing the first two games by an average of 13 points to a extremely physical Denver team. When they lost game 3 on a controversial non-call, and a last second shot by Carmelo Anthony, Cuban’s blood pressure shot up like gas prices of last summer. It’s reported that Cuban heard Dallas fans calling the Nuggets “thugs” and he said to Kenyon’s mother, “That includes your son.” Good Ole’ Mark, spewing out bitter contempt to an innocent woman on the most special day for moms within the year. Yes, it was on Mother’s Day. No one is spared from the wrath of “The Cuban”. For Grandparents Day, I heard he plans to kidnap Carmelo’s grandfather and force him to watch episodes of Dancing With the Stars where the stiff, rhythmless Cuban twinkle-toed his way into homosexuality.

Cuban offered an apology to Kenyon and his mother and posted this on his blog…

— “When the series comes back to Dallas, your family, and the family of other Nuggets players are welcome to stay in my suite, with my family. Its amazing how tempers mellow when real people talk to each other and realize that its still just a game. If that isn’t acceptable, I’m happy to provide a suite, free of charge to them as well and place whatever security is needed to make them feel comfortable.”

Bad idea Cuban. You are inviting the families of the biggest “thugs” in professional sports into a suite with your family? What a protector Mark is, while he’s sitting court-side, spitting obscenities and flailing uncontrollably at the officials and the Nuggets team, your family is gonna be tied up in a corner of your suite, and forced to eat fried chicken and watermelon. That type of torture, I’m sure, is ten times worst than water-boarding. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, how condescending is it for Cuban to “place whatever security is needed…” ? He wants to make certain that when they leave, everything that was there before they came, remains.

Kenyon told the media that he will, “take care” of the situation in this clip.  Awwww, shit. You better watch out, Marky-Mark. I think Kenyon should take him up on the offer of having his “family” join Mark’s in the suite. Instead of a wife, kids and Kenyon’s mom, though, his family will consist of five big black dudes, wearing du-rags with bulges beneath their extra long white t-shirts. That’ll teach him. 

Anyway what do you think Kenyon Martin should do to Cuban in retaliation? Leave it in the comments.

PEACE…