“I thought those days were over…..”

 

 

 

Just finished watching a story on CNN where a group of Black kids, in Philadelphia were refused entrance to a predominantly White swim club. The story goes as such….. Creative Steps Day Camp was on their way to The Valley Club to enjoy a day of aquatic fun. Before their first visit to the club, the Camp satisfied a $1900 bill in order for the kids to enjoy the pool for the summer. Once they arrived, they were turned away. CNN interviewed a camper from the Creative Steps Day Camp as he tried and failed to hold back tears. The innocent child, no older than 8 or 9 years old, said he overheard a white woman say, “What are all these Black kids doing here…I’m afraid they might do something to my kids”. As the tears ran down his face, and his initial anecdote came to a close, he said, “I thought those days were over.” This statement is what inspired me to put this post together. Although the American society’s racial tolerance has improved leaps and bounds since the eradication of slavery, the fact remains that racism is very much, still a factor. 

Now, I’m not writing this to bitch and moan about racism in this country, or to gain some sort of sympathy for the plight of Black Americans.  The point of this regurgitation of feelings/thoughts is to lay down some reality. Although a child, the young boy’s naivete rubbed me the wrong way. Granted, I fully understand that children are oblivious to most of the problems faced by countless people in this country, but I think parents should give their kids a dose of reality at some point in their childhood. I think it is important for parents to sit children down and share with them their insight on the world we live in. Like telling them to wait until marriage to have sex, or not to smoke weed, and drink stay away from alcohol.  Well, those don’t usually work out too well, but, you get my drift. Kids should know that they might encounter things like racism, and that not everyone is accepting of others. They should also know that not everybody thinks like them, not everyone follows the same religion, and not everyone lives the same life as they do, among other things. If you send your children out into the world with a tool box full of the right tools, they will be able to screw, hammer and saw their way through this construction site we call life. I know that analogy was probably the worst you’ve ever heard, and you are now ridiculing me with all of your being, but I thought I’d add some levity to the post. You get my drift anyway…..

 

PEACE…

Phuck Personalized Plates…P’s rock.

A few weeks back I published a post called “Road Realizations”. In said post I listed a few things that start my blood a’ boilin’ while driving. One of those things was personalized license plates. I think they are extremely lame and should be outlawed immediately. Moving violations will be handed out to all who possess a personalized plate from this day forward. The thing is, a lot of these plates can be easily misconstrued, and with my over-active, perverted, and sometimes just barely working brain, I go with whatever pops in there first. Now, in preparation for this post, I have been compiling some flicks that I snapped out on the road of the feeble attempts at vehicular self expression. Along with these pics, will be other plates that I wasn’t able to capture while driving but still took note of. Speaking of risking life and limb while doing something in the car that isn’t driving, check out one of my previous posts about Bimbo’s. They’re soft, huggable and tasty!!! 

 

"NEVERHM"

 

 

 

 

 

– Although this person may spend a lot of his time away from home, the owner is obviously a man who lives his life as a woman, and wants everyone to know just how much he enjoys cross-dressing. Hence the meaning of the inscription, “Never him”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"JEAN C"

 

 

 

 

–A fan of “Cheers” are we? Unfortunately though, everybody doesn’t want to know your name, Jean C. Maybe this person should hook up with “NEVERHM” for some ambiguously sexual fun. Well, what do you expect? Jean is one of those names. 

 

 

 

 

 

"MIGUE 1"

 

 

 

 

– Here is an example of the Spanish Speaking sector of the population trying to force their language on us Americans, once again. First, the Secaucus Wal-Mart refuses to hire workers who speak English, now this. Let’s take back America people.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"KITTY 18"

 

 

 

– For her 18th birthday, Kitty got a car. Now at age 42, every time she looks at her plate, she thinks back to the days when her “Kitty” (wink, wink) held up better to constant traffic, and was able to grip things better. (wink, wink) Like the road. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now, for some that, unfortunately, I couldn’t snap a flick for…..

“COWGRRRRL” –  this plate reveals the drivers’ favorite sexual position, the Cow Girl. It also lets on that, when in that position, she growls like a big hungry bear. 

“WONBY3” – Didn’t understand this one until I saw the NY Giants logo to the left of the inscription.  In Super Bowl 42, the New York Giants, “WON BY 3″. Or, you could say the New England Patriots got, “BEATEN BY 3″. Well, so did Plaxico Burress’ wife, within a few months of the victory.  As multiple restraining orders were filed by her against him with the local police station.

“10  SIS”  - This guy, driving a white van with the windows blacked out, A Chester Van, is obviously angry with his mother. If I had ten sisters, I too, would let the world know how much of a whore my mother was. Don’t know who Chester is? Click here to find out….

PEACE…..

Childhood Indiscretions….

 

 

Sometimes, it's warranted...

 

Nowadays, in my adult, somewhat mature, questionably responsible life, I look at what some kids do for entertainment. This, inevitably, releases the flood gates to the river of judgement. The ridicule flows, uninterrupted and my mind runs rampant with inquiries; What the hell is going on in their brain? Why would he do that? Is she crazy? Then the fairy of self realization appears on my shoulder and reminds me of the asinine things I used to do as a kid. This speaks to the whole, “Old people did it too…” post from a couple weeks back.  Check it out for more hypocrisies imposed on the “age challenged”. After grasping the fact that some of the things I did as a youth were much worse, I retract my previous conjecture and reserve my judgement for other things. Below I list a few of the crazy, uninformed, yet fun, things that brought entertainment to my life as a youngster. Disclaimer: I do not suggest that anyone, children or adults, perform the following indiscretions, as some may lead to jail time and/or serious injury. Having said that, I must add that all of the following can be very entertaining as well as “gut-bustingly” fulfilling. 

Whenever my cousins, siblings and I got together, in the absence of parents, I’d say 90% of the time, we were up to no good. One of our favorite pastimes was the Prank Call. We’d call restaurants that delivered and order, or not order, a few things. A call would go like this…

Restaurant Order Taker : “What would you like?”

Bored Kid(s): “Can I get a ____ , and a small ____ .  Wow, those ____ sound good too, give me two of them.”

Restaurant Order Taker : “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you.”

Bored Kid(s): “Oh, that’s alright. I like to order the ____ , with extra sauce, and the ____ . As well as two of those ____ , too. You know what scratch the ____ and just give me the large _____.”

Now, the blanks aren’t present for you to add what you’d like to order, but were the “punch line” of the prank. We spoke regularly throughout the calls but said nothing in the places where the blanks are, so it seemed as if our phones were breaking up.  This would go on until the order taker realized that all we really wanted was to ______ them. <~~~ There, you can add what you like…

One of my cousins and I did some really dumb stuff together. Now, I was never a trouble making kid, when all by my lonesome, but when I got with this one cousin we both were borderline crazy. In front of my house, as well as the neighboring home, there were a lot of big shrubs and bushes. Big enough for us to hide behind, totally out of sight of passing cars, and throw rocks at the moving vehicles. Hooray for big bushes. No innuendo. To us this was really entertaining, and we never thought we’d get caught, until the impossible happened. One of the drivers got out of his car and investigated where the rocks came from. After a few minutes, he got back into his car and sped off angrily. Extremely afraid, we ran into the house, changed our underwear then assumed the fetal position in a corner and began shaking uncontrollably. 

Another fun/dangerous/life threatening/sadistic activity my cousin and I engaged in was lighting cherry bombs and throwing them out of his 7th floor window. They’d land on a sidewalk full of unsuspecting loiterers as well as passersby and their reactions were priceless. This “game” found it’s end when my cousin failed to raise the screen quick enough, after lighting the firecracker. A bloody hand and two nervously, mischievous kids resulted from this activity.

Alright, that’s all I’m going to reveal. The forum is now open for submissions. What kind of crazy things did you do as a kid? Do they top any of the things on my list? Probably not, but I wasn’t a normal kid, nor am I a normal adult….Shadenfreude !!!! WTF You Say?  <~~~~~~

 

PEACE…

Road Realizations….

"Driveway Rage"

 

During the hour that I spend in my car everyday going to a from work, and when I’m just behind the wheel aimlessly wasting my pricey, constantly rising gas, I see a lot of things. Things that are either out of the ordinary, things that activate my road rage and/or things that are humorous to me. Below, in no particular order, I have listed a few of these things. Please feel free to agree, disagree, and/or add to the list of “Road Realizations” in the comments section. 

Here we go…

1. It is absolutely pointless for you, air-headed driver in front of me, to wait until you are starting your turn to put your damn blinker on. You might as well leave it off, IDIOT. Please, spare me. And my brakes…

2. Mind your own damn business!!! I know everybody wants to see the mangled cars on the other side of the median, but I have some place to be. Sometimes…

3. Picture this…You’re driving down the highway and in the distance, you see a cop who has pulled someone over on the shoulder. As your eyes focus back on the road in front of you, break lights come alive, several of the drivers in front of you revealing their asshole-ness. Now, to all you A-holes, answer me this… Do you really think that police officer is going to stop giving that person a ticket to come track you down? Come on. I mean, Really!?!?!?!

4. Old people should be required take tests that assess (that’s not asses, for the slow people) if they are able to keep up with the speed limit. Their height should also be measured sporadically so when their osteoporosis is at it’s worst, their license can be revoked. Have you ever driven past a barely moving car and didn’t see anyone behind the wheel? Don’t fret, someone is driving the car. It’s an old person whose bones have degenerated causing them to shrink into obscurity. 

5. Personalized license plates are more outdated than the horse and buggy…That’s it. –UR LAME–

6. Gas prices suck. They suck even harder as the summer approaches and arrives, and at their highest level of suck-tivity, I often consider storing used chicken grease and using that to power my car. 

Have any Road Realizations of your own? Post them in the comments below. Thanks.

PEACE…

Kanye’s Back at it…..

 

Kanye's Upcoming Album Cover

 

 

Heard a song on the radio the other day called Ego by Beyonce featuring the talented, genius, unmatched on any level….wait for it, waaaiiit for it, Kanye West. WHAT??? NO!?!?!?!? I was just as shocked as you are. Finally, a self titled song from the big headed “teddy bear”. At the beginning of the song, Mr. West croons a little, fessing up in a mellow, modest vocie. “I got a big ego, such a big ego…”  At this point, I’m thinking, “We’ve done it!!!” Combining the recent own-ation the geniuses over at South Park put on Kanye with their “Fishsticks” episode, and my world renowned post about The Dropout’s ego, ~~~> Click Here to read <~~~ he has come to his senses and is now ready to admit defeat. But no. Soon after the meager start, he goes in. Talking about how he has a big….. and how “she” loves his big…..and strokes his big, eh, eh em…..ego.  ”Everything I throw up, Blow up” , “Flow just the nicest” are a few of the lines that Kanye’s helium surrounded brain allows him to release from his lips. Beyonce joins in with the innuendo during the hook, “It’s too big, it’s too wide, it’s too strong, it won’t fit, it’s too much, it’s too tough.” Now, I don’t really understand the sexual innuendo and it’s relation to the song. I know, I know, ego’s can be big, and strong but other than that I don’t get it. Oh, wait. It just came to me. When I see Beyonce gyrating, vibrating, and conjugating in those videos, the music becomes a non factor and all I think is SEX, SEX, SEX. That’s it. Sex is better than music so when the two combine, the less stimulating takes it’s place in the non-existent part of my brain.  Thanks Beyonce. 

Anywho, this song was a remix to Beyonce’s original track with the same name. Who better than the self proclaimed, “voice of a generation, the fuckin’ end all and be all to music” to give the world what it so desperately needs. Not even Kanye could create a better fit for this song. I vow to all my readers that from this point out, I am on a quest to deflate the hot air balloon that is Kanye. I shall dedicate my existence to doing so. This has now become my reason for living. Call it hate if you like, I’ll call it …… Whatever…….Stop judging me DAMNIT!!!

PEACE….

Old People did it too……

 

"Oh My!!!"

 

A great portion of today’s urban music, some say, has crossed the line of tastefulness. I’m not talking about the booty-shakin’ in rap videos or the other, extra risque things that occur on the screen, but the content of the songs. Although the latter has been cause for concern, I’ll leave Superhead and the rest of the video hoe gang out of this post. 

To the critics of my generations choice of auditory entertainment, I say,  the music that  made you do “The Twist” and the “Mashed Potato” has a lot in common with modern music.  Although the vulgarity, and uncouthness is undoubtedly elevated the subject is pretty much the same. So chill out a little. Times have changed. Below I give some examples to back up my assertion.

Old School Jam…

Prince, “Do Me Baby”, 1982 – The title of this song is self explanitory. It blatantly implies the desire to engage in sexual relations with another party, and Prince lists the things he wants his lover to do to him.

Modern Day Match…

The Notorious B.I.G featuring R.Kelly, “Fuckin’ You Tonight”, 1997 – Although Biggie stated lyrically that he was, “black and ugly as ever“, there is no doubt that he was a ladies man. R. Kelly, on the other hand, was a fan of a different kind of lady. A fresh out of the womb, golden shower appreciating lady, that is. 

Old School Jam…

Gwen Guthrie, “Ain’t Nothing Goin’ On But the Rent”, 1986 - A few lines from this song; ”We’re only wasting time if your pockets aren’t deep”, “No romance without finance”, “I’m looking for a man whose got some money in his hand”. The Modern Day Match to this song sums up this cut in the title, as well as the hook…. Please see below.

Modern Day Match…

Kanye West featuring Jamie Foxx, “Gold Digger”, 2005 – “I ain’t saying she a Gold Digger, but she ain’t messin’ with no broke niggas…” Enough said. 

Old School Jam…

Teddy Pendegrass, “Come Go With Me”, 1979 – This R&B joint finds Teddy luring a young lady out of a night club with his sweet mellow sound. At first she refuses, then says, “you said your car was right out front?…And you’re gonna bring me home after…? ”  After what? Would somebody fill me in, please?!?

Modern Day Match…

Jay-Z featuring Beanie Sigel & Amil, “Do it Again”, 1999 – Although this entire song isn’t spent setting up the one night stand, the hook shows that it’s much easier to get straight to the point. ” 12 am – on my way to the club, 1 am –  D.J. made it erupt, 2 am – now I’m gettin’ wit’ her, 3 am – now I’m splittin’ wit’ her….6 am – I be diggin’ her out, 6:15 I be kickin’ her out…” These days you don’t have to waste a whole 5 and a half minutes trying to get a girl back to your place Teddy, just a good 36 seconds of potent prose. 

Old School Jam…

The Four Tops, “Ain’t No Woman Like the One I Got”, 1973 – “Every day the sun comes up around her. She can make the birds sing harmony. Every drop of rain is glad it found her. Heaven must have made her just for me…”  is how this slow jam starts. It goes on to say, “I’d kiss the ground she walks on…” WOW. What a lady!!!!

Modern Day Match…

Notorious B.I.G., “Me and My Bitch”, 1993 – Biggie raps about his girl over this Hitmen track, and all the things she does for him, including packaging drugs and not snitching. Then, he too, like the Four Tops, states what he’d do for his love, but instead of kissing the ground she walks on, he decides to spread the love, and show his appreciation to a family member.  ”…you look so good, huh, I suck on your daddy’s dick.” Whoa, Big Boy, WHOA. In response to that, a Modern Day Mantra applies……….NO HOMO!!!

 

PEACE…

Self Destruction…

I was sent a link to an article on theFreshXpress.com bearing the title, Tyler Perry is destroying Black America,  (<~~~~~ check it out) and after reading and agreeing with the content of the piece, I began tapping away at the keyboard, entering my comment at the bottom of the page. I wrote about a paragraph, then, EUREKA!!! Why not use my own space to regurgitate my disdain for the writer/director/producer/actor/seeker/destroyer, that is Tyler Perry…pardon my transgressions. The writer basically stated that Tyler Perry’s plays, movies, and television shows “are walking, talking, dancing, jigging stereotypes“.  A truer statement has never ben spoken.

 I myself have never been a fist pumping Tyler Perry fan, but have enjoyed an occasional laugh at the mockery that is Madea. Tyler Perry got his start writing and directing plays on the formerly known, Chitlin’ Circuit, which is “a string of performance venues throughout the eastern and southern United States that were safe and acceptable for African American musicians, comedians, and other entertainers to perform at during the age of racial segregation in the United States ” which is where a huge part of his fan base came in. The thing about his material, and why a lot of black people are drawn to it, is it’s relatable nature. They see themselves on the stage, or someone they know, they see a situation they went through before, or are currently battling through, and are drawn into a world that they know so well. Beyond the relatability of the plays, TV shows and films, they fail to see that they are all further perpetuations of the stereotypes we have been fighting to overcome. 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s great that he is the face of the first African American-owned studio in “Hollywood”,(even though it’s in Atlanta, Georgia)  and he produces, writes, and directs movies as well as television shows, but at what expense? We are ready to jump up and fight a non-black when they mention fried chicken and black people in the same sentence, but we sit and laugh at Madea, the modern day Mammy. 

Having mentioned the fact that Tyler is the owner of a his own studio, that gives him absolute control of what comes out of there. Now, what gets into the theaters is a different story. Movies like The Diary of a Mad Black Woman, Madea’s Family Reunion, Why did I Get Married, etc. are funded and released without the blink of an eye. But more thought provoking, “controversial”, as some would call them, films like; When the Levees Broke, and Miracle at St. Anna, had to be funded by Spike Lee, and distributers outside of the country.

Perry’s style of producing shows and movies has been proven to be one of the most cost and time effective in “Hollywood”, but, if he put just a little more effort and money into his projects, the result would be a better product. I know, I know, the name of the game in “Hollywood” is make the movie for the cheapest amount possible so the profit will be maximized, but come on Tyler. The writing in most of your productions is elementary, and predictable and the characters are not at all believable, which I think is he result of the poor writing, mixed in with the lack of skill from the talent. Tyler should focus more on being the head of a studio, rather than writing and acting in all his projects. Just put your name on it as you have in the past and we’ll know it’s yours. Spare us from Madea, please, and just because someone was on a classic African American 80’s TV show when she was five, doesn’t mean that she has any talent nowadays.

 

PEACE…

Down with Cuban….

 

Maturity is so overrated....

 

 

For those of you who don’t know about the recent controversy between Dallas Maverick owner, Mark Cuban and Denver Nuggets power forward, Kenyon Martin, it goes a little something like this… The NBA playoffs are currently taking place, and the Mavericks have been getting owned, loosing the first two games by an average of 13 points to a extremely physical Denver team. When they lost game 3 on a controversial non-call, and a last second shot by Carmelo Anthony, Cuban’s blood pressure shot up like gas prices of last summer. It’s reported that Cuban heard Dallas fans calling the Nuggets “thugs” and he said to Kenyon’s mother, “That includes your son.” Good Ole’ Mark, spewing out bitter contempt to an innocent woman on the most special day for moms within the year. Yes, it was on Mother’s Day. No one is spared from the wrath of “The Cuban”. For Grandparents Day, I heard he plans to kidnap Carmelo’s grandfather and force him to watch episodes of Dancing With the Stars where the stiff, rhythmless Cuban twinkle-toed his way into homosexuality.

Cuban offered an apology to Kenyon and his mother and posted this on his blog…

— ”When the series comes back to Dallas, your family, and the family of other Nuggets players are welcome to stay in my suite, with my family. Its amazing how tempers mellow when real people talk to each other and realize that its still just a game. If that isn’t acceptable, I’m happy to provide a suite, free of charge to them as well and place whatever security is needed to make them feel comfortable.”

Bad idea Cuban. You are inviting the families of the biggest “thugs” in professional sports into a suite with your family? What a protector Mark is, while he’s sitting court-side, spitting obscenities and flailing uncontrollably at the officials and the Nuggets team, your family is gonna be tied up in a corner of your suite, and forced to eat fried chicken and watermelon. That type of torture, I’m sure, is ten times worst than water-boarding. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, how condescending is it for Cuban to “place whatever security is needed…” ? He wants to make certain that when they leave, everything that was there before they came, remains.

Kenyon told the media that he will, “take care” of the situation in this clip.  Awwww, shit. You better watch out, Marky-Mark. I think Kenyon should take him up on the offer of having his “family” join Mark’s in the suite. Instead of a wife, kids and Kenyon’s mom, though, his family will consist of five big black dudes, wearing du-rags with bulges beneath their extra long white t-shirts. That’ll teach him. 

Anyway what do you think Kenyon Martin should do to Cuban in retaliation? Leave it in the comments.

PEACE…

Keepin’ it in the Family…

 

 

 

 

Saw the preview for the new comedy, Dance Flick and was totally turned off to yet another poorly produced, trying way  too hard, barely humorous spoof movie. Not Another Teen Movie, Date Movie, Meet the Spartans, among others, all fell short of infecting me with the funny bug. After further watching of the preview, I pissed my pants a little when one of the lead characters hung her baby up in her locker and said, “Mommy loves you Punkin.” Not Pumpkin, Punkin.. Late in the commercial I realized that it was written and directed by the Wayans Brothers, only the funniest show-biz family since the 80’s.  In Living Color was the best sketch comedy show, ever, and my siblings, cousin and I would reenact the skits every now and then. I would perfectly capture the essence of Fire Marshall Bill. Being a black male, that wasn’t, at all, a stretch. 

The Wayans’s record is impeccable. I’m Gonna Git You Sucka poked fun at all those blaxploitation movies of the 70’s, impeccably. “Good Lawd, that’s a lot of money.” A line from one of the many gut busting-ly funny scenes where a young Chris Rock, barters for one rib. Just one rib.

For those of you who didn’t know, the first two Scary Movies were written and directed by the Wayans. Out of the four in the series, the two they directed stood high above the rest. Anybody remember this? “Yo, that jacket is tight son. Now run that shit, Bitch.” Anna Faris should be an honorary member of the Wayans family. 

Now, with all this praise I’m doling out here, I must say that I hated the Wayans for a while, a few years back. I was forced to rethink my “blackness” when I sang A Thousand Miles, by Vanessa Carlton, for months on end after seeing White Chicks. You know what I’m talking about. “Making my way down town, and I’m walking fast, and faces pass, and I’m homebound.” DAMN you Wayans’s, DAMN you all. This was definitely my favorite non-spoof from the Wayans, though.

With their latest, Dance Flick, being directed by the next generation Wayans, Damien, who is the son of a lesser know Nadia Wayans, we are assured that we will have much more material from a highly talented family.

Alright guys and gals, that’s all I got for you for now. What was your favorite Wayans movie moment, character, or memory? Leave it in the comments.

“Make room for fanny. Fanny’s coming through…” — Hanson, played by Chris Elliot, Scary Movie 2

PEACE…

Throwback Hip Hop

While on YouTube I came across some Old School Hip-Hop and thought I’d post a few videos here for your enjoyment. I’m not a huge Hip-Hop head, but I do remember the good ole’ days. Below,  enjoy some positive, socially conscious rap music, impeccable story telling, and some just plain fun hip hop.

 

High Top fades and the Running Man….. Classic.

 

One of my favorites… KRS One, MC Lyte, Public Enemy (Before the bafoonery of Flavor Flav), Doug E. Fresh. Unfortunately, this kind of hip hop would NEVER get airplay nowadays, or even get put on the preverbal wax because this isn’t the message that the record companies want to put out there. Now dance craze songs like “Stanky Leg” or raps about how many people they’ve murdered or women they’ve screwed, “PRESS THOSE RIGHT UP.”  

 

Some of my most favorite rap artists are great story tellers. Biggie Smalls’ – I Got a Story to Tell, and Nas’ – Rewind, are two of my all time favorites. For an Old School story check out Slick Rick’s – Children’s Story. 

 

I know this isn’t the list of all lists, but just a few. What classic hip hop was your favorite? Leave it in the comments…

PEACE…

Patents Pending…

Throughout each day of my life I encounter situations and people, among other things, that force my brain into overdrive. How can I get away from this person?, Should I believe that?, Or, I wonder if anyone smelled that., are all questions that bounce off the walls in my head. Recently I have decided to take fate into my own hands and invent a few items that will quell some of these brain churning,  hate inducing instances. Below is a list of just a few of my many ingenious ideas that will soon hit the infomercial market. WARNING: Do not attempt to steal any aspect of the following inventions, or create any copycats. Like the title of this blog entry says, “Patents Pending”. Which means, if you attempt some thievery I will find you and sue the shit out of your ass. Literally. (Which will soon be possible through an invention I am currently creating.)

 

Caller E.S.P - Similar to Caller ID, this innovative creation will allow one to not only know who’s calling, but WTF they want.  With this information, the Selective Answering feature will assess their reason for calling and terminate the call according to your personal settings. Friends and relatives begging for money? Unsure who your schizophrenic wife is today? Dreading the “we’re downsizing because of the recession” call from work? Use Caller ESP and all of this will be solved. Slogan: Live life stress free with Caller E.S.P. 

The Stink-Sound-zorb - Church Services, Weddings, Funerals, and sometimes work and school, are all places where farting is absolutely unacceptable. Don’t know if the gas traveling toward your ass will make a loud noise? Haven’t figured out a way to know what smell will result from your butt belch? Just strap the Stink-Sound-zorb to the inside of your trousers and rest easy. The smell will be absorbed and the sound will be reduced to a mere 3 decibels. Disclaimer:  If you are prone to sharting, please wear The Stink-Sound-zorb with extreme caution as any moisture that comes in contact with the product will undoubtedly cause electric shock. Side effects also include Taint swelling, anal sphincter pulsing, and death.

The Tall Tale Teller - This lie detection software will be available as an app for the iPhone, and will also be available for download to all other cell phones by everyone else who hasn’t yet realized the superiority of Apple Inc. products. Afraid to call some one out on their lies? Not sure if someone is telling you the truth or not? The Tall Tale Teller is your savior. Picture this… Someone is telling you a great story. The story teller pulls you in with every tid-bit he/she adds. It gets better an better as you listen and eventually you are completely wrapped up in the narrative. All of a sudden your nearby cell phone yells out “BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT…” This would no doubt put that pathological prick in their place, knock them back down to reality. For your convenience the program can be set to say a variety of things to warn you of the Tale. Some of which are, BULLSHIT, as I have shown earlier, CROCK OF SHIT, UNTRUTH, and the most popular, SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOU’RE LYING – After pitching this idea to my good friend Steve Jobs, and it being accepted,  he informed me with his own two lips that it will be the most popular app for the iPhone. EVER. With a projected 10 million downloads within the first week.  ——- Excuse me a second, while I turn off my cell phone.

Unfortunately, the release of these products was pushed back due to our pitch guys absence of a tongue.  But I promise you, as soon as the ShamWow guy is released from prison for the beat-down he put on that hooker, he will be the face of my creations. Just with an electronic voice box instead of that damn headset.

-PEACE

The Big Bad Wolf Spotted!!!

Below is a picture I received a few months back in an email riddled with humorous photos, but this one was, by far, the funniest. After the boxer soaking laughter ended, I was puzzled as to what the subject of the picture is actually doing. I came up with a few possibilities and here they are…

1. After jumping out of the nearby window of his padded room, and leaving the straight jacket behind, he was busted by the security camera perched outside his window. 

2. While enjoying the suction from the temperature control unit beneath him, his grandmother, now sweating profusely and on the verge of heat exhaustion, found him as the result of the ineffective air conditioning system.

3. This was the picture he posted on E-Harmony.com, but unfortunately his membership was revoked after management at the site realized he was black…with dreadlocks…and big, blood shot eyes. 

4. He had just arrived at Little Red Riding Hood’s grandmother’s house and was about to break-in, when a neighbor walking by commented, “Wow sir, what big eyes you have.” To this he responded, “Mind your damn business, bitch, before I blow yo’ ass down.”

These are all I could come up with, guys. Please attempt to shed some light on the subject by leaving your ideas, in the comments section, of WTF is going on in this flick.

PEACE……..

Do you speak Kanye???

The Lost Member of Alvin and the Chipmunks...

 

Being that it’s blatantly difficult for a lot of Americans these days to properly speak their native tongue, the English Language, I find it quite inconsiderate for Mr. Kanye West to introduce his own language, further puzzling the minds of the verbally challenged. While listening to the lyrical stylings of the self proclaimed, Louis Vuitton Don, my overly analytical ears caught a few examples of the brand new language Kanye will soon introduce to his fans, which includes everything living on the planet, of course. Even the trees and algae, according to him. After implementing the Scientific Method in an attempt to draw reasoning for this undoubtedly bold move, I was able to come up with a hypothesis. In an attempt have a nice rhyming flow, Kanye adds syllables, letters, as well as suffixes, to words and phrases, and also outrightly misuses words, knowing that no one will notice because he’s just that much smarter than the rest of human kind. The success of Kanye’s first two albums, as well as his uncanny ability to sample bits and pieces of old school tracks and produce a modern day hit beat, has sent an extra shot of cockiness into his over-inflated jaw, I mean head. Pardon my transgression. Please take heed of my inside information as I have listed some of Kanye’s banter below. 

First on the list…

“GOOD MORNEEAN”- On the intro song to Kanye’s 3nd Album, “Graduation“, he uses this word pronounced — “Good Mor-knee-in” — rhyming it with Valedictorian as he gives himself that title. I’m pretty sure Kanye placed # -32 on the academic list of his graduating class. 

“APOLOGEEIN” –  pronounced –” a-pol-a-gee-in”– “…Don’t ever fix your lips like collagen, and say something where you gone end up apologeein” is how this one was utilized in “Can’t Tell Me Nothing“. I’m hoping the title of the song is meaningless. (Doubt it, though)

“ADIDOS” – pronounced –”add-di-doe-s”– This slaughtering of a worldly popular sports apparel brand was refashioned to wrap up this rhyme in “Everything I Am” — “…baggy clothes, Reebok’s or Adidos…” 

In no way does this short list encompass the vast  instances of Kanye’s malapropisms. When the Merriam Webster’s Kanye to English Translation Dictionary comes out, they will all be included. I would like to congratulate him, though, on grasping the notion of the Dr. Seuss, Cat in the Hat rhyme. Exhibiting his firm comprehension of the sound part, but he forgot about the whole grammatical correctness thing. 

In place of my usual sign off, and in honor of Mr. I’m the best person on the planet, sporting my 1980’s shag, and my geek non prescription glasses, I’ll say….

PIECE….

To whom it may concern…….

On this day each year we celebrate the life, contributions, self-less sacrifice, and altruism of one of  the greatest men to honor this world with his short presence. Although the official holiday isn’t until the third Monday of this month, on this day 80 years ago the world was forever changed. I can remember, throughout the years, the McDonald’s commercial dedicated to Dr. King, that ran and the song that went with it, “If we could light a candle for everything he’s done…” it started, and explained that, “the light would shine so brightly that all the world could see.” I also remember hearing the song made especially for him by Stevie Wonder and the lyrics contained within, “I just never understood, how a man who died for good, could not have a day that would, be set aside for his recognition…” All these things gave me a sense of the magnitude of his existence, something I was not able to experience. This birthday, for me, is a whole lot more special. Since November 4th, at around 11:00 p.m., I have seen Dr. King’s Dream come to fruition. Five days from today, our 44th President will be sworn into office as the first African American to hold the position. A true testament, in deed, to the progress America is making toward the aspirations set fourth in the ever famous speech. Dr. King’s I Have a Dream Speech is one of the most powerfully articulate, ballsy (for lack of a better word), truthful speeches I have ever heard. The sheer confidence in Dr. King’s voice only added to the monologues’ profound affect. His confidence, intelligence, poise and captivating speak are all things I see in our soon to be President. This post brings back the feelings that were stirred up inside of me on Election night after the results were announced. Feelings of joy, hope, amazement and sorrow for those who couldn’t be here to see this. Those like Dr. King and anyone else who fought for the equal rights of everyone. Those who gave their lives for a cause, a cause that has been becoming more and more within reach since their activism. I thank them for the part they played in what will happen in a few days. I thank them for the country I live in today, and for the ever progressing country that my nieces, nephews and all other young ones will inhabit in the future. THANK YOU ALL…….

Check out my After-Election post here~~~~~~~> A New America

PEACE…

 

 

“I’m Bringing Bimbo’s Back……Yeah.”

Before I start, I’ll just say that the title of this entry is a play on words with the previously ever so popular, “Sexy Back” by Justin Timberlake. You get it now? Well, anyway, now for the story. As I drove down the highway, foot firmly planted on the gas, I was pleasantly caught off guard by a truck that I rapidly approached.  Big red letters lie beneath a very Pillsbury Doughboy – esque bear reading BIMBO. My eyes widened and my tummy started to tingle as raunchy thoughts ran through my head. “WTF are they delivering” was my first thought. Sometimes when I come across such golden opportunities, I won’t pass up the chance to whip out my cell phone and ‘Carpe the Momentum’, it doesn’t even matter if I’m speeding along a busy highway at around 60 miles an hour at the height of rush hour. To get a priceless shot like this one, I don’t at all mind risking life and limb. I changed lanes as my exit got closer and was shocked even more when I saw the bootleg Doughboy tightly hugging a loaf of bread with an inscription on the top of the truck in some other language. My perverted, usually wandering mind thought of a slogan right away. “BIMBOS. Squeeze  us first, Eat us later.”  Nobody wants to eat hard bread, right? I then thought about how Bimbo, Slut and Whore were all interchangeable terms circa the late 80’s, early 90’s. Does anybody still use this word? I’m officially starting a movement to bring back the word BIMBO. First, I think I’ll test the word’s potency, maybe tomorrow when I go to WalMart. Here’s what I’ll do, I’m gonna mouth the formerly popular offensive term just loud enough so the female passers-by can hear me as I walk through the crowded store and see what kind of reactions I get. I will post the results at a later date.  Anyway take a look at the evidence below.  And Oh Yeah, “I don’t love them BIMBOS”….. Doesn’t work, does it? Sorry. I tried, though.

 

A BIMBO'S REAR END!!!!!

 

"SQUEEZE US FIRST, EAT US LATER"